~ricochetingbullets

[thedevilsworkisneverdone]

For nonsense.

Comments

[ricochetingbullets]

Keep telling yourself that. That if it had been anyone else, your friend would still be alive. But when Vanessa Fisk wants someone dead, there's no stopping it.

I never hurt anyone who didn't deserve it while I still had a job to keep me in line and out of my own head. Do you know what it's like to live with the thoughts every day that tell you killing is the best and only solution for every problem? I had a life that kept me out of trouble until every last part of it was ruined.

[thedevilsworkisneverdone]

Or you keep telling yourself that because it seems to absolve you of the responsibility of what you did if there was someone else waiting in the wings to do it for you.

Do you think I've never been tempted to kill someone? The only guardrails that will ever work are the ones you put around yourself because those are the only ones that can't be taken away by a job or circumstance. You also say 'ruined' like you didn't have a hand in your own destruction. You consistently use passive language in discussion of what you did or what happened and it's an attempt to deflect responsibility.

[ricochetingbullets]

What do you want from me? An apology? I doubt I could give one that would satisfy you even if I was capable of giving one, which I'm not. True remorse isn't something I'm capable.

I know you have. Experienced that firsthand even. But you've got morals. The only thing that's ever kept me in line is rigid structures and someone to follow. I haven't had either of those in a long time now. I'm not sure I even know how to get it back.

[thedevilsworkisneverdone]

I would fucking love an apology but I know I'm not going to get one. You'll have to answer for it someday, Dex, in this life or after.

I wasn't thinking clearly with you but there are plenty of times when I could have made other choices and not just with you. I have morals and I have a code. I don't really understand the ability to live without one, if I'm being honest.

[ricochetingbullets]

If there is anything after this, I already know where I'm going. Which makes me hope there's nothing.

There's the reason neither of us are ever going to get anywhere with the other. Neither of us can really understand or figure out what's going on in the other person's head.

[thedevilsworkisneverdone]

Depends on if you think you can repent for the things that you did and hold some regret for them.

No, clearly not. I'm never going to understand.

[ricochetingbullets]

Regret requires being able to feel guilt. Guilt requires a conscience. I don't have one of those. Not an internal one anyway.

I find it interesting how you think though. From an objective point of view.

[thedevilsworkisneverdone]

The idea of not being able to feel guilt is something I'll never understand. Blame it on being Catholic, I guess.

I'm not sure you're capable of being objective when it comes to me.

[ricochetingbullets]

Must be. You blame yourself for everything. Even things that aren't your fault.

Why? You think my emotions keep getting in the way of things?

[thedevilsworkisneverdone]

Such as? I think I take on the responsibility of the things that are within my control.

You don't think they are?

[ricochetingbullets]

I know part of you still blames yourself for the death of the priest. And your friend.

No. They're not.

[Lies.]

[thedevilsworkisneverdone]

I blame you more for that but yes, I do.

Well, that's some bullshit and you know it.

[ricochetingbullets]

You shouldn't.

[Yes, they'd both been associated with Matt and that had led directly to their deaths, but Dex knows he also made his own decisions there. He could have walked away, could have stopped associating with either of the Fisks at either time, could have chosen a thousand other options other than the ones he did.]

You are annoyingly persistent in trying to find out the truth, you know that?

[thedevilsworkisneverdone]

Shouldn't blame you or blame myself? Because both seem perfectly reasonable things to do in my not so humble opinion on the matter.

The truth is important. It's the crux of law, even if you don't believe in it, so maybe that's my particular fascination.

[ricochetingbullets]

Shouldn't blame yourself. Not as much as you do.

I was always more interested in the enforcement side of law and order. The truth has never interested me all that much.

[thedevilsworkisneverdone]

That's easy for you to say when you don't take all that much personal responsibility.

Of course you were. Nothing about that surprises me in the slightest, even if maybe you should've cared about it.

[ricochetingbullets]

I'd need to feel guilt in order to do that. And I don't. Not about any of what happened at least.

My time was spent trying pass off as a barely functional person on a day-to-day basis while finding some sort of personal satisfaction in what I did.

[thedevilsworkisneverdone]

If you did ever manage to feel it, it would and should fucking suffocate you for the things you did, you know.

And how did all of that work out for you, Dex?

[ricochetingbullets]

Makes me glad I never will then.

I was fine for fifteen years, thank you very much.

[thedevilsworkisneverdone]

I'm sure there's some sense of relief to knowing that you won't ever have to care about what you did.

And where are you now?

[ricochetingbullets]

It doesn't keep me up at night, that's for sure.

Drowning in deep water with no way to get back to the surface.

[thedevilsworkisneverdone]

I'm glad one of us can sleep, I guess.

That's the thing about drowning, Dex. You get so desperate for something to hold onto that you'll pull someone else down with you.

[ricochetingbullets]

Is that what you think I've been doing all this time? Pulling others down with me?

[thedevilsworkisneverdone]

You don't think you have been? You don't think that you've held on tightly and forced others under with you?

[ricochetingbullets]

I never really thought about it like that.

[But then he thinks of those that would still be alive if he hadn’t given into his worst self. Julie. Ray. The priest. All dead because of him and no one else simply because he kept lashing out and couldn’t stop. If ever Dex could feel bad about what he'd done, this would be the point. As it stands, he just knows those deaths didn't make him feel good the way it sometimes did when he killed other people. There was just a hollow feeling left over after those kills.]