Whatever my future plans are, killing him or them is not going to be part of that.
What's there to say about it, Dex? You took a job that you knew would involve killing an innocent and good person and you did it anyway with a fucking laugh. He was a better person than you'll ever be, better than I ever was and you just made that decision like it was nothing. I don't presume to think that you'll care when I tell you those things but what kind of monster murders someone who just spends his time helping people?
That removes all sense of agency from you. Last I checked, you were still a person capable of free will so don't try to sell me that one.
I'm not sure if I admire how unbreakable your morals are or want to throw something at your head for being so unbearably naïve.
[There it was again. That confirmation he was a monster, that small echo of the words that bounced around inside where he should have had a proper conscience; would have had it if he didn't possess the mental conditions he'd been struggling with for so long.]
That wasn't a good decision. Even if it seemed like the only one I had at the time. But even if I hadn't done, Vanessa would have found someone else to. She was never going to let him walk away alive.
I take responsibility for what I've done. No one has killed all those people but me. But as long as I had my job, at least I knew I was only killing people to deserved it, who were dangerous criminals or terrorists. Now, the only thing I've got is my own instincts and we both know how shot to shit those are.
You could try but you know I'd just end up catching it anyway so what's the point? I believe the things I believe and you're not going to be the thing that makes me question that again.
That's bullshit. You don't get to skirt blame just by saying someone else would have done it. If someone else took that job, I could've stopped it. That it was you, that it was your methods--that's what killed Foggy.
And what makes you think the police or the government ever know all of the answers or are always right? You can't just push off on the idea that they know everything and can give you perfectly clean orders either. At some point, you need to learn how to think about those things yourself and not just wait for the orders from on high.
Keep telling yourself that. That if it had been anyone else, your friend would still be alive. But when Vanessa Fisk wants someone dead, there's no stopping it.
I never hurt anyone who didn't deserve it while I still had a job to keep me in line and out of my own head. Do you know what it's like to live with the thoughts every day that tell you killing is the best and only solution for every problem? I had a life that kept me out of trouble until every last part of it was ruined.
Or you keep telling yourself that because it seems to absolve you of the responsibility of what you did if there was someone else waiting in the wings to do it for you.
Do you think I've never been tempted to kill someone? The only guardrails that will ever work are the ones you put around yourself because those are the only ones that can't be taken away by a job or circumstance. You also say 'ruined' like you didn't have a hand in your own destruction. You consistently use passive language in discussion of what you did or what happened and it's an attempt to deflect responsibility.
What do you want from me? An apology? I doubt I could give one that would satisfy you even if I was capable of giving one, which I'm not. True remorse isn't something I'm capable.
I know you have. Experienced that firsthand even. But you've got morals. The only thing that's ever kept me in line is rigid structures and someone to follow. I haven't had either of those in a long time now. I'm not sure I even know how to get it back.
I would fucking love an apology but I know I'm not going to get one. You'll have to answer for it someday, Dex, in this life or after.
I wasn't thinking clearly with you but there are plenty of times when I could have made other choices and not just with you. I have morals and I have a code. I don't really understand the ability to live without one, if I'm being honest.
If there is anything after this, I already know where I'm going. Which makes me hope there's nothing.
There's the reason neither of us are ever going to get anywhere with the other. Neither of us can really understand or figure out what's going on in the other person's head.
[Yes, they'd both been associated with Matt and that had led directly to their deaths, but Dex knows he also made his own decisions there. He could have walked away, could have stopped associating with either of the Fisks at either time, could have chosen a thousand other options other than the ones he did.]
You are annoyingly persistent in trying to find out the truth, you know that?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I was wondering when you'd get around wanting to talk about that. So let's get to it.
I didn't ever need to make those decisions before. I just did what I was told and hoped that was the right thing.
It does seem like you'd be involved with the law no matter when or where you are.
no subject
What's there to say about it, Dex? You took a job that you knew would involve killing an innocent and good person and you did it anyway with a fucking laugh. He was a better person than you'll ever be, better than I ever was and you just made that decision like it was nothing. I don't presume to think that you'll care when I tell you those things but what kind of monster murders someone who just spends his time helping people?
That removes all sense of agency from you. Last I checked, you were still a person capable of free will so don't try to sell me that one.
Most likely. Law is what I'm good at.
no subject
[There it was again. That confirmation he was a monster, that small echo of the words that bounced around inside where he should have had a proper conscience; would have had it if he didn't possess the mental conditions he'd been struggling with for so long.]
That wasn't a good decision. Even if it seemed like the only one I had at the time. But even if I hadn't done, Vanessa would have found someone else to. She was never going to let him walk away alive.
I take responsibility for what I've done. No one has killed all those people but me. But as long as I had my job, at least I knew I was only killing people to deserved it, who were dangerous criminals or terrorists. Now, the only thing I've got is my own instincts and we both know how shot to shit those are.
no subject
That's bullshit. You don't get to skirt blame just by saying someone else would have done it. If someone else took that job, I could've stopped it. That it was you, that it was your methods--that's what killed Foggy.
And what makes you think the police or the government ever know all of the answers or are always right? You can't just push off on the idea that they know everything and can give you perfectly clean orders either. At some point, you need to learn how to think about those things yourself and not just wait for the orders from on high.
no subject
I never hurt anyone who didn't deserve it while I still had a job to keep me in line and out of my own head. Do you know what it's like to live with the thoughts every day that tell you killing is the best and only solution for every problem? I had a life that kept me out of trouble until every last part of it was ruined.
no subject
Do you think I've never been tempted to kill someone? The only guardrails that will ever work are the ones you put around yourself because those are the only ones that can't be taken away by a job or circumstance. You also say 'ruined' like you didn't have a hand in your own destruction. You consistently use passive language in discussion of what you did or what happened and it's an attempt to deflect responsibility.
no subject
I know you have. Experienced that firsthand even. But you've got morals. The only thing that's ever kept me in line is rigid structures and someone to follow. I haven't had either of those in a long time now. I'm not sure I even know how to get it back.
no subject
I wasn't thinking clearly with you but there are plenty of times when I could have made other choices and not just with you. I have morals and I have a code. I don't really understand the ability to live without one, if I'm being honest.
no subject
There's the reason neither of us are ever going to get anywhere with the other. Neither of us can really understand or figure out what's going on in the other person's head.
no subject
No, clearly not. I'm never going to understand.
no subject
I find it interesting how you think though. From an objective point of view.
no subject
I'm not sure you're capable of being objective when it comes to me.
no subject
Why? You think my emotions keep getting in the way of things?
no subject
You don't think they are?
no subject
No. They're not.
[Lies.]
no subject
Well, that's some bullshit and you know it.
no subject
[Yes, they'd both been associated with Matt and that had led directly to their deaths, but Dex knows he also made his own decisions there. He could have walked away, could have stopped associating with either of the Fisks at either time, could have chosen a thousand other options other than the ones he did.]
You are annoyingly persistent in trying to find out the truth, you know that?
no subject
The truth is important. It's the crux of law, even if you don't believe in it, so maybe that's my particular fascination.
no subject
I was always more interested in the enforcement side of law and order. The truth has never interested me all that much.
no subject
Of course you were. Nothing about that surprises me in the slightest, even if maybe you should've cared about it.
no subject
My time was spent trying pass off as a barely functional person on a day-to-day basis while finding some sort of personal satisfaction in what I did.
no subject
And how did all of that work out for you, Dex?
no subject
I was fine for fifteen years, thank you very much.
no subject
And where are you now?
no subject
Drowning in deep water with no way to get back to the surface.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)